26 October Tagnak-Dzongla-Dengboche. 12 hours.

The best and worst of days.

e set out just after four AM, a line of headlamps twinkle under star-filled Himalayan skies. The moon lights the peaks, and ice crunches underfoot. There is no other sound except the laboured breathing of climbing at 4800m. It's -15, but I'm really happy. There is a call of 'bistare, bistare' as I walk behind Neema, matching his pace. 'Slowly, slowly'.

We climb steadily, past snowcocks, and across frozen scree. We've left early to make sure the rocks are frozen hard to each other, so there's no danger of rockfall on the incredibly steep parts.

We reach the top of the first pass after a while without too much trouble, and I look out across the plateau towards Cho La. We have to lose a lot of height then regain it.

I start to cough again, it's a hard raking cough, the sort that tears throats and breaks ribs. I smash the ice on the top of my water bottle and drink hard, ice chunks and all. The air is crystallising as I breathe and I'm vaguely aware of the blood and snot that has frozen into my beard. I can't eat again. It's harsh but if i can't eat something will have to give. I can't carry on and I know it.

We descend to the plateau and pick our way across boulders the size of houses, Ken is sick of the rocks, they make iot really tough even on the flat ground. We gradually start to climb, it's stunning here but I don't have the energy for photographs.

It's one foot in front of the other now, nothing more, I can't get enough water on board, and I am now coughing up eevrything bad I have breathed in during the last 40 years. Great lumps of orange muck are coming out, streaked in blood.

he next section focuses me though, it's immense. Possibly three hundre vertical feet of scrambling on frozen and exposed rock. This would be hard at 1000m, but at 5000 it's incredible. I'm right at my limit, good holds disintegrate with a tinkle of breaking ice and then a crack as the rock breaks. It's exciting and all consuming. Total focus is needed tom prevent a small error becoming a big one, and I have a couple of moments where my feet scrape around on the verglass looking for purchase.

Four arms suddenly reach out and haul me onto the top. It's precipitous but awesome. This is it. Cho la. I made this one too. The view is incredible. I suck in the view and slump against what apears to be a safe rock. I cough really hard and vomit again.

I realise I might get pulled from the team here, I am really sick and i just can't get better Finjo tells me we'l need to talk when we get down to Dzongla, he's worried about my cough. I stare at Ama Dablam for a bit and fight back my emotions. I don't want to go down, or leave the team, but I don't have anything left.

Ken again tells me I've got balls, but all I can think is 'I don't belong here.' I'm scared. A porter died of a chest infection when we came out, and I have no idea if that's what I have. There's not much medical care up here.

We start to descend towards the ice field, passing the bergshrund. There's a short downclimb to a crevasse field. Sangay tries to position my foot on a hold as I face into the rock and climb down. 'Dude, the one thing I don't need help with is rock climbing,' I blurt out. I'm frustrated, but he laughs and slaps me on the back and lets me get on with it.

Ken and I joke as we cross the ice, we have no crampons and he's never walked on ice before, but it's me that fals over again. We stop for a team phot in among the crevasses, and for a while I'm loving it, this is where I am happiest.

As we descend to Dzongla though I start to fall behind.I can hardly walk. Gabe stays with me and gives me water, a kidness I find humbling in the circumstances. Every so often I sit on a rock and vomit.

I eventually reach the lodge, and collapse again. Finjo talks to me. I'm either going in the decompression bag or descending to Dengboche, which should be a safe altitude for me. He's the leader and I respect him. I'm not going in the bag though. I hear him tell the porters to sort my bag out from the rest, but I'm too upset to stop him. Kritin takes my temperature, which seems ok. Someone puts some boiled potatoes in front of me, and Fletch tells me later that I pick one up and stare at it as if I don't know what it is. I eat a couple and give the rest to Finjo. Kristin tires to make me eat, but I just can't. Finjo peels a potato and gives it back to me to eat. It's bland and rubbish.

No-one says much, I think they know how I feel, and after a hour or so walking down the trail they go off to Lobuje and eventually to Kala Pattar and EBC, I have to go down.

I have seen the map and know we've got a long way to go. Sangay puts my 15kg duffel on top of his pack and off we go. I turn to look back, Kristin waves, but I don't react and just walk off.

I have to drag out another six hours walking, Snagy and I taking turns in pace-setting. It starts to get cold. Very cold. It's foggy adn realy windy. We can see maybe 20ft, and we justy have to keep moving. Sangay is freezing and I can't feel my toes again. It takes forever, we only just reach Dengboche before it's dark. Sangay's nose has seperated from his face in one corner because of the cold and my ear is all blistered. My nose has windburn and my lips are cracked and peeling. Sangay sorts a room and I just sit in the corner coughing and feeling like shit.

Sangay has kept my spirits up talking about wildlife and buddhist philosophy. he talks about my life, and makes me think about a few things.

A woman comes over and asks if i am ok, which is kind, but it's clear I'm not. Sangay tries to get me to eat, but I can't. I keep falling asleep sitting up, and by 7 he's got me into my sleeping bag. I am utterly spent. I came here to find my limits, and I really have done that today. And some. After 12 hours of trail beating, rock climbing, crevasse crossing and coughing up various parts of my insides the tank is finally empty. I sleep for 13 hours.